How many is too many?

As you already know I am a mother of 3 little girls. Callista will be 8 years old in a month from now, Charlize is turning 6 years old this summer and Lorelei is 4.5 years old. I remember every step of being pregnant with each one. I can give you a detailed account of their births (though I won't torture you with that). I can tell you some of the most hilarious stories of various milestones and a few heart wrenching ones as well. I am proud of my girls and love watching each one develop into their own person. I enjoy seeing how they are going their own route and what they end up choosing for themselves. Every once in a while I can recognize myself in them. Sometimes I recognize other family members. Mostly they are forging their own personalities. To top it off they are all so different and have always been different. No carbon copies for me LOL I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with each one of my 3 darlings. They make me so proud of them on a daily basis. I often wake up and look forward to the new joy they will bring me today. I sometimes wonder if this feeling will ever cease. . . I sure hope not! Even though I am so entirely smitten with my children, to me our family is not complete. I have also had this notion that when I was ready to stop having babies I would know. I would get this feeling of absolution while holding the newborn in my arms. Everything would click into place and my family would be complete. I have yet to feel that way. Three children later my extended family and friends are all wondering why I am coming down with baby fever again. . .

Now I want to share a secret with you. . . I used to hate babies! Yes, it is unholy and apparently unnatural but it is the honest to God truth. When I was a teenager I never dreamed of my wedding day (<scoffs>yeah, like one man could ever have handled me for that long!) and I was repulsed by the oozing miniature humans all of my girlfriends were volunteering to babysit/had as siblings or women at church seemed to always be toting around. I thought people were crazy for reproducing. My train of thought went like so: babies are loud, they ruin everything truly awesome in life, use up all your disposable income and perpetually smell nasty. Now who in their right mind would intentionally do something like create one of these monsters or even worse multiples?!

Being of this mindset did not change the second I watched that irreverent second pink line show up on the positive pregnancy test. In fact it didn't change when my OB/Gyn confirmed that the mean, nasty second line was telling the truth. I was quite positive that I completely lacked the mothering gene. I was simply not "that" type of girl. Never had been and never would be. . . That tune quickly changed the very instant I first felt Callista kick at only 12 weeks along. I knew my life would never be the same and that I finally figured out what all that fuss was about. After an incredibly easy labor and delivery I held her in my arms and I distinctly remember thinking "Thank God I was wrong!" Then I took her hat off and was scared I had discovered alien life on Earth which my Godmother quickly scolded me on and told me it was completely natural and she didn't even have it that bad. I immediately felt bad for the mothers whose babies DID have it bad. . . Ick!

Anyways, as the fabulous weeks went by I realized I did in fact have the mom gene. I breastfed easily without any trouble and even got to sleep through the night after only 2 weeks! She was a dream come true! I knew I would have another baby and just the thought of giving Callista a sibling one day made me smile. I had become one of those women I couldn't understand LOL It was another 2 years before coming down with baby fever for the first time. Callista was walking, talking, potty training and all the sudden I felt like I was obsolete. I had also been thinking that I would rather have kids close together in age for quite some time since waiting would mean I would perpetually be buying diapers and since I had babies at a young age I could also get all the kids out of the house at an early age later in life. That thought appealed to me the most. Charlize followed shortly after I was overcome by this fever :) She was NOTHING like Callista. Her pregnancy was hard on me. Then she had colic and cried all day. I ended up with PPD and without help from friends or family I was pretty miserable. I didn't think about having another baby for a good long while. I did however get pregnant 9 months later. It was shocking and confusing (when had we had even had the chance to create this one?) but I was happy none the less. I figured there's no way it could be any worse than Charlize's infancy and by then Charlize was past her nasty phase and was tied for my favorite child with Callista :) The pregnancy was fine. But the delivery was nothing like I had envisioned. I was very anxious to hold her, believing I would feel that feeling that I had in my mind of when our family was complete. . . Instead I had the overwhelming desire to do it all over again. I looked down and her and knew she was not my last. In the weeks to follow I found that she was even easier than Callista. This only feuled my desire to have another one, this time I was hoping for a boy!

So here we are almost 5 years, a divorce and in-home day care job later and DYING with the baby fever! The only thing keeping me from trying for that coveted boy this very instant is the wedding I am planning for 8 months from now. I am keeping my eye on the prize. . . Our honeymoon in St. Lucia will be when we officially start trying for our 4th baby. I am too excited for words! The girls are all excited about having a new sibling as well. I plan on doing things so differently than the others. I am focusing on the 2 infants I care for and just trying to enjoy their little milestones which is in fact quite helpful most days :) Although one thing that keeps playing in my mind is what if this one doesn't get "the feeling". You know, the one that ties the bow on the final gift of baby-making? What if I have another girl? What if I just don't feel that finality of knowing our family is finally complete? I don't know how to cope with baby fever if there is simply no hope for another one. I have to wonder how many people have this feeling? How many is enough? How do you know when you're honestly done? Is this "feeling" I have romanticized about all these years just biology tricking me into procreating more than necessary? 

Here are some things that I think are contributing factors to the "feeling":
-financial stability
-emotional stability (patience with children and commitment to familial responsibilities)
-health of not just myself but the entire family
-the lack of a male child
-the desire to experience making a child with Josh
-the support/enthusiasm of my previous children
-how much more time this is adding to our commitment to raising our kids
-the effects my relationship with Josh
-being accepted by our family and friends

Do any of you have similar feelings/thoughts on the issue? How did you know when you were done? How do you think you will know when you are done? Are you affected by social standards when you consider how many children you would like versus how many children you will have?

Motivation. . . Inspiration. . . Desperation

For the life of me I can not force myself to do anything I know I need to. Despite having a million reasons to get on top of things I mentally cannot overcome this road block. I have tried everything to find a way to get started. . . But nothing works. Every night I tell myself that tomorrow will be the day. Then morning comes and there's some new obstacle standing there to greet me. Sometimes I blame myself for allowing things to stop me, but mostly I wonder why the forces of nature are against me. There MUST be a conspiracy working against me. I also secretly blame my devoted other half for loving me just the way I am so much so I feel like changing (even for the better) is superfluous. 


I tell myself how much better I feel when I accomplish things and how many more opportunities will open up to me. I set everything up for myself the day before to make sure that nothing can derail me in the morning, but something generally happens in the middle of the night to change things then. And of course there are times when I just flat out ignore doing anything. 


How do I get around this? I want to put everything behind me and begin focusing on what I know is best for me but I really don't know how. 


Have you ever gotten into this type of rut? What was your motivation? What got you going? Is there any foolproof way of jump starting someone out of their funk?


I have tried these methods:
-making a list of reasons it's needed/helpful
-setting up rewards for milestones
-setting up back-ups to make sure weather isn't a hindrance
-hang up inspirational quotes everywhere
-setting up competition
-removing all things that could derail me
-having my own personal cheerleaders
-setting reminders on my cell phone
-seeking professional help
-taking a break to "reset" my inner clock
-energy supplements


Does anyone have this same issue of needing something. . . Anything. . . to motivate or inspire them? Has anyone done something else and found it worked? 


I am thinking I might need a partner. Someone to hold me accountable until I am out of this rut. Someone who knows how stubborn I am and how to challenge me. I thrive on challenge! 


Maybe that's the reason I am so unmotivated. I have no more challenge to my life. I have a set rhythm to my days, a pattern and schedule which keeps everything from going haywire. I have spots available for some extra things but generally those get filled by my children or some small catastrophe, which is always handled with ease. 


Tomorrow I will break this cycle. Tomorrow I will take the plunge and no matter what happens, someone else will have to deal with it b/c I have to break out of this rut. I am going to be selfish and make the time for myself to get everything dealt with.


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